Dying Inside

This morning I noticed that my PE shirt is the same one from year seven.

I noticed how little imagination and creativity I have. It's almost none. I was quite baffled. Is it something that naturally happens when you grow older? You lose your ability to imagine what isn't in exchange for the ability to understand what is? Or is it just my brain being rewired by consistent mind exercises?

I don't know.

A while ago, I typed out a few values by which someone like me should live by (I was pretty inspired and wanted to store the ideas, which mean nothing to me now). One of them was to seek inspiration. Base my life around being inspired. Always follow what inspires me, and if that's nothing, find something that does.

I haven't really done that.

while typing that i remembered a point which i wanted to talk about, but i decided to put off writing it down on the food-pad until i finished typing the above paragraph. funnily enough, i have forgotten it now.

School hasn't really inspired me. Effectively being in year 12 hasn't really inspired me. Nothing has, really. It's just... school. I feel so indifferent to it. And studying. Almost everyone knows that they're going to start working super hard because it counts now, and study several hours per night, or some people already are working super hard and are going to maintain it. And I listen and wonder if there's something wrong with me. why don't i care?

Last year, I remember thinking that it was year eleven soon, and I had all of these things which I could tell year 7's or something. All this advice to give. All of these experiences to share. But now I find myself thinking "i don't know" when I wonder what I would say.


Something that I noticed was that during the day, I don't really think. I just exist. It's just like a movie. I don't think, or think about choices, or really consider anything. I just exist. It's just a movie on play. It's just a constant stream of the present.

And the only time it pauses, the only time I think, is when I'm alone. When there isn't anything happening, when there's a lapse of activity. When life takes a break for my mind to catch up.

I found a good way to stop thinking when this happens is to read. Just read, and exist in this fictional world instead. It's just like a movie. You don't think, or think about choices, or really consider anything. You just get told what happens, and it does, end of story.


Sometimes I remember moments which I wish I could forget. Things I wished never happened. Times I wished I could just turn invisible. Things which make me so careful now, and completely abolished my initiative.

In year 9 maths, we never did anything. Osborn decided we should play a game (which I was reluctant to play in the first place), and it was pretty much a dare-type game, and I had to acquire Michelle's hairband and give it to him without speaking. And I was pretty much "dude i can't do that" and he started counting down, and then I stressed out and just tried to grab her hairband. It didn't work of course, and she was pretty annoyed and retied her hair (but I did say sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry). And I felt pretty terrible, and I knew straight away that it would haunt me for a while, and it was one of those moments I would never live down. And then he explained that I could still write a note saying "can i borrow your hairband for a dare please".

And then it was my turn and I decided that his challenge was to get Michelle's hairband without speaking, and without writing. It didn't work out for him, and even though I laughed and it was a bit funny, I still didn't feel any better inside.

There are a lot of moments like those which I've had, and which I never hope to have again. Which is why I don't do anything crazy. Which is why I only go through with things when I'm certain. The ability of being certain and confident in choices is something I respect in others. Because I can't myself.


There have been a lot of moments like that, and the other day I realised that people* should let go, and stop holding themselves back. People should take every opportunity to get, even though that leads to certain failure. Because a thing about these things which I never live down, is that the only person who remembers them is me. You don't lose anything from embarassment like that. What really happens is that you gain a story to tell and have a laugh about in the future.

*cleverly avoiding the use of a first person pronoun. because i'm not going to do that. it's easier said than done. for that point i wrote on the food-pad "be retarded, have stories to share"

i should have left this idea for a different day. i don't even know, i explained that so poorly, and if that made sense to you, congratulations, it probably does, but it doesn't make it to the level of sense for me to be happy with it.


I noticed that one of my biggest weaknesses is any criticism, disappointment, or failure. Any. It doesn't matter how small. It could be accidentally not taking a worksheet out from my book, and having that done for me. That might not even be close to criticism or failure for you, but it just shatters me. I'm serious.

I don't know why, but it just makes me feel the same way as those moments which I won't live down. It makes me have the same deep sense of failure. It usually takes me a relatively long time to recover. It's like a scar.

I guess it carries on, and makes me feel incredibly unenthusiastic about everything for a while. Sometimes I will forget about it for a while, and eventually I forget about it long enough for it to have no effect when I remember it again.

It's strange. nescio quid