Summer's End - 23

Tries sleeping at 11:30. Takes one and a half hours. Wakes up at 5. Wakes up at 7. wakes up at 7:30. wakes up at 8, wakes up at 8:30, wakes up at 8:35, 8:40, 8:45, 8:50, 8:55, gets up at 9.

Sigh. unlike yesterday where I go to sleep before 11 and just fall asleep straight away.

While I was trying to sleep, I recall drifting into a state that was 100% thought. Think meditation. I'm pretty sure it was 100% thought, completely detatched to physical self. And by pretty sure, I mean not sure at all but I would like to think that is what happened because it would be pretty cool. And then I realised I was in this state and quickly came back.
I also recall at one point I was breathing really really slowly. And I wasn't moving at all. And I started to hear my heart beating through the music (yeah decided to music because I didn't feel tired when I went to bed, figured I might as well listen until I do feel tired). and then I wondered if I was about to die and started thinking things like "oh... okay. that kind of sucks, but okay..." and i don't think i really thought about where i would go next, i don't think i really cared "good bye world, it's been a pleasure. it's been really, really nice"
i don't think i ever thought something like "sorry everyone for leaving so early but i gtg", and i guess that was a bit selfish of me
to be honest i don't really remember exactly what i was thinking at all, just that i was feeling like "oh, okay, that's cool np"
i didn't really mind, at all. i think that is the best way to die. acceptance.

and then i moved a bit and the whole phase passed and it was back to trying to go to sleep zz i need to sleep i have hsc tomorrow let me sleep


i haven't done any work on modules today (well, i mean i haven't done any work on the 15th october as it's 12:06 atm), and i don't plan to. I know it won't be effective at all.

so i've just been playing dota and looking at hsc memes all afternoon/night. sadly, there won't be a huge influx of memes like tonight because there's no reading task etc on wednesday. i didn't realise the connection to school certificate's papa until other people were pointing it out. i wonder if that was intentional or not. and there were a few of people burning belonging related documents, lol

oh, the exam. i wrote a lot slower than i did in practise, so the write-story-in-26-mins didn't actually happen, and the reading task took me longer than i wanted to, so i had like 35 minutes to write the essay (while thinking about the question) and ended up cutting out a few points and links and i think my essay was pretty bad, i answered the question in the intro and didn't really follow through. but i did finish. i have no idea how they will mark it, maybe everyone in the state is really really bad and i'll do alright, but i won't be surprised if i get as low or lower than trials.

still yet to feel stress. like, even during the exam when i was low on time it was more like "sigh fine i'll just cut out this point so i can finish in time." and then i finished in time with about 30 seconds to spare. i think the thought that "it really doesn't matter how well i do in these tests my atar is going to be way more than i need anyway" is embedded into me. so i actually won't mind if they compressed all of my exams so i could get it over and done with quickly like davy. but then again, i'm still taking mini end of exam holidays between every exam, so it doesn't really matter. the logic in this paragraph resembles the logic in my reading task response. but the standard students do it as well, so they can't give me a 8/15 like i might give myself, right? otherwise the state will get 2/15.

you know what, i think i don't want to play the drums. but i wish i had drum sticks, and i could just like set up buckets around the table or something. like that street drummer video, which i ended up on after several related videos, starting from a guy playing drums on the keyboard that someone linked on facebook. "only one video it's ok i can watch it" *spends 30 minutes on youtube*


i really didn't have to start this post i don't know why i did


i realised my study patterns aren't actually bad. because i would get so bored of working if i banned myself from games social networking etc. and i still get through all the work in the end. i wonder where i would be if i wasn't so game-influenced by my brother when i was younger. hmm. maybe in a parallel universe i'm one of those top achievers, but you know, that doesn't even matter if you think about how completely irrelevant everything we are learning is after the next few weeks. i'm happy with where i am, i think in this universe, i have everything balanced perfectly.

two more days until effectively the end of the crappy HSC for me. exciting.


bl everyone with exams besides english in first week. but gl with the exams.

but the thing is, the rest of state who do that subject are in exactly the same situation since everyone does english, so everything is still equal. it's just the difficulty is raised a lot. so there will be a bigger difference between regular students and those who can time manage and/or cram better. guess which kind of schools are better that that? ones like ours. the smarter schools are going to do much better, because they can manage the disadvantage a lot better.

I've been thinking/saying that for all exams, the harder it is, the better it is for us in the wider scheme of things. Because it's harder for the rest of the state, but our students cope much much better. The tougher the exam is, the more we shine in comparison to the rest, and therefore the better we do. it's like if everyone is trying to balance on a log, and suddenly someone starts rolling the log. The better students are going to be able to stay on that log while everyone else falls off straight away. But if the log was stationary the whole time, it would be hard to tell who is better at balancing.

just something math teacher explained to us a couple of times. it's true


not 100% sure on nanowrimo or not. because if i do it, it's really going to take a lot of time off starcraft. like, if it was 6 hours writing a novel each day for 20 days, that's 120 hours that i could have spent getting good at the game.

but even so, i think i could actually pull off writing a novel from the perspective of windrunner the dota hero. i can divide chapters up as levels, from level 1 to 25. unless the game ends before that. hmm. and things will actually happen since there are so many hero interactions possible, so it won't be going off about nothing for 50k words like that other time.

i would ask here for advice for the dilemma, but i know that it would all be "nanowrimo pls". i guess we'll see how i'm feeling after latin extension. i'll probably lost all inspiration to write a novel by then so then i can go play games all day.

while following the scene i keep thinking "how did that player do so well, they aren't even that good. if i was still playing..."

but then if i play now, i'll be even worse than them because i've been inactive.

if only the ping from australia to other countries was better. it's so bad. you have no idea how bad it is. it's horrible. if anyone travelled to australia to play starcraft, they would get motion sickness.

sighhh


on the way being to school by car i thought "oh, i used to travel on this road every tuesday and wednesday. it was cool. i'll miss this road. i'll miss catching public transport around this area."

and i also thought of the quote which was on facebook sometime ago i can't remember but it was something like "the sign of a developed country is not that the poor have cars, it's that the rich use public transport" and i thought that was so true, how about we just have decent public transport and stop having cars and then suddenly climate change and depletion of resources doesn't even matter anymore.

if there wasn't a social expectation to be able to drive, i wouldn't even get my Ls (which i still haven't done). well actually, i eventually would, but i would rarely use the car unless i had to. i guess it helps if you have to go grocery shopping.

what am i doing here


only a few weeks left, it's ok only a few weeks left  i know i've said it before but this time it's real