It's strange. Actually it's not strange. Whenever I'm writing an english (or latin in this case essay) it usually ends up something like I've written 20 words in an hour, even though I've had the word doc open the whole time, but I've just been unconsciously not concentrating and just listening. The worst part is when I know what my next sentence is going to be but I can't be bothered to write it. Yeah, I should probably work without music. I've known that for a while ago, but I don't do it anyway.
Because the deadline's on wednesday and today is monday. No rush.
It's also strange that it's only when I'm doing work (but not really doing it) that I get the urge to write here. I'm not really focused. I used to be. I don't know when that stopped.
Anyway, I still listen to music while writing because even though it reduces efficiency by 75%, it's worth it. If procrastination is fun, then that's good. As long as you end up finishing. You could go through work quicker, but hate it a bit more, and use that extra time to play a game or two of starcraft, and hate that too because it's not even a fun game.
Okay. How to organise these tangents. Games can be either rewarding, or fun. Most of the time it's one or the other. Or both. fml. These two things overlap a bit so it might not make sense.
You have games that are more fun-oriented like DiabloIII. Or like single player games like half-life or bioshock or PORTAL! or ... you haven't played any of those have you*. Sigh. Or Winterbells. There. Winterbells. So you have those games. You play through it once, beat the boss, fall for the plot twist, save the world ... or jump on bells while it's snowing**. And it's so fun. But then what do you do with the game. You can ... play it again? But you already know what happens. It's not going to be fun the second time through. It's not rewarding.
So then those games add another dimension to try and make it rewarding so you will play again. Achievements. New items. High scores. It's like a fake version of rewarding. you think you're having fun. But you're not. But who cares, you think you're having fun, that's close enough. Achievements!
oh, forgot. Pokemon. There. That's a fun game. Except the closest thing it has to achievements and high scores is completing the pokedex. Which is why no one plays it after their first playthrough.
*tbh I haven't played half-life1 or bioshock either
And then you have legitimately rewarding games. StarCraft, Warcraft, Counter-Strike. These games are a lot less fun. If you thought dota was hard enough to learn, you are mistaken. These games are a lot less fun. But they are a lot more rewarding because they are challenging, competetive, multiplayer. "Winning" is proportional to how much effort you put into the game. I think that's a good way to put it. I should bold that. These games are stressful and frustrating rather than fun, but these are still the games that you will find yourself "addicted" to. Well, the games I will find myself addicted to. Different types of gamers. Casual gamers can't take the challenge and quit. Quitters.
Games that you don't need to have fun with. Games where you are driven by the desire to win, not because you are having fun. Sounds not-fun, because it is. Sounds bad, but it isn't. Fun is overrated.
...
Which kind of contradicts that point I was trying to make - procrastination is fun so it's good (as long as you don't fail everything).
**snowing. skiing. might be going this year. i don't think anyone else is going. so i'll be going with family friends apparently. ie, i'll be going alone. whee. great. yay. alone. wooo. alone. yay.
i've never skiied by myself before, but i know it's one of those things that aren't fun when it's just you.
so, i haven't been writing my essay for the past 30 mins or so. i'm appreciating indie rock, does that make me hipster yet. what is hipster i don't even know i never followed that term.
it reminds of me that time when i wrote posts wow i'm dyslexic up to like 2am or something and it was all rubbish that only made sense to me.
I guess holidays technically start today, so I should copy and paste that list of things I have to do every day and do it.
-write out one english essay once each day, online stopwatch (i think all my essays are bad and need editing as well so i guess this will take more than 40 minutes a day)
-make chem notes for everything, too many holes to be filled (this is one of those things to which i will say "i got all of the holidays for this, don't need to do this today")
-go through a page of latin seen trans (okay)
-belonging story (inspiration only lasts 3 days. it has been more than 3 days. sigh)
I don't understand whether I'm meant to be studying or not. I'm reading things that suggest that the holidays before the trials are meant to be mass study, but isn't it the holidays? What am I meant to be doing?
what atar am i trying to get? I keep thinking that i should be able to get 98 without trying more than i am now. i mean, 4u maths and 3u latin. 7 units already set. a bit under average for the other ones. (and now i wonder since when did i become under average)
and i don't even mind getting something embarassing by my standards like 95. i don't mind whatever course. there's this unspoken assumption ... actually it's quite a spoken assumption - that your atar is going to affect your entire life because it affects course yours which is affect going to job etc etc. True, maybe, but exaggerated.
I'm currently at 2.5 !@#$s given about atar, which makes me not even on that diagram. It also makes me wonder if I'm doing something wrong.
"I DONT CARE HOW YOU STARTED, THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS IS HOW YOU FINISH THE HSC."I had a good start. Then 90 metres in I was like "hey wait a sec why am I even running this race, I wanna go do javelin". And what will happen next is a mystery.
I guess it's good that not many would have the same outlook on the HSC. When - er, if baulko comes not first this year, i'll gladly accept my portion of the blame. I will acknowledge that it was all partially my fault, and then not feel bad about it.
...
and that is how i didn't write my latin essay.
many times i seem to be telling myself "its ok, only 4 months left" and then another myself asks that self "yeah, 4 months until what?..." and then the original self says "i don't know, but i don't mind, 4 months until we can start again, doesn't matter whether we start in a worse or better place, we just need a new place"
sometimes i embarass myself by staying up to 2am writing really stupid things that i will gladly not proofread or read again, ever.
this time is not one of those times because it's 1:48.
i just realised i paused my music to watch a video and forgot to unpause. time to unpause and so i can return to writing latin essay at 15% efficiency.
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