58 - Resolve

I just want it to be over. HSC and school.

I just want to move on.

I've been patched up and ready to hatch and fly for months now.

But this world doesn't operate on my timetable. If it did, I would have fastforwarded life and died years (relative years since the definition of years becomes ambiguous here) ago.


I'm living in the past. involuntarily.

unvoluntarily?

involantary?

wtf



I don't think I've been taught chemistry well. The people who seem to know chemistry well seem to be people who are tutored or just work really really hard and learn it themself. I guess it raises the question - how much should we be learning it ourselves?

Feeling "cbb" - when did people stop saying cbb - about chemistry. Learning things and I have no idea what is going on, I guess the teaching is tailored to people who have already learned it before in tutoring. Was thinking "cbb about all subjects" but I realised that's not true.

But the old realisation that I only need like 96 ATAR, and that I can still be fine with 86 ATAR (5 bonus points lol!) hit me, and once again I'm wondering why I even bother.

It's because deep down I know I should be getting 99+.

I'm too used to trying my best.


I should be thinking to myself "only 2 weeks of working hard, just endure it" and then "only a month of working hard, just endure it"

"because i can" is not very effective motivation.


zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


http://www.mediafire.com/?s4bd7mk340ta0tp

If you would like to know about prime numbers in the complex number system i wrote this up based on notes from maths day and realised that aside from a couple of people, no one else actually wanted to learn about them. i figured i should put it somewhere, figured here is a good place because of the # of people who do ext2 maths.




I want to play music again.

I want to play drums. although deep down i know that i won't be able to because i don't like people hearing - i always played piano with the mute pedal down and guitar unplugged.



oh yeah my other reason to write this post: my conflicting perspective body paragraph word counts are like 200 200 200 185 which is amazing because i want all of the essays to be short because theres 3 of them and that feeling when you finish an english exam with spare time is priceless.

i would prefer to have that feeling than to get an extra mark or two. i am happy with my !@#$ mark of 14/20 for my essay, because i finished with a few mins left for that last essay. i think its worth it.


anyway i think the essay is pretty decent, i'm so glad i got to do a beautiful mind for a related text (gotta find a second one for the hsc though, but if it doesnt specify how many relates im just going to have one). i don't watch films like ever, so i guess this can be my favourite film now ^^

it actually fit perfectly with the psychological issues of plath and their relationship and different perceptions of the world


but anyway, i always think my essay is pretty decent when i finish it and  then it gets destroyed by the teacher, lol! ^^

t-t


but yeah, hopefully i can shorten those other mods to 1000 words max as well ^^