Sorrow

I started this probably about a week ago. Today is 26/05/2013 and it is 1:31AM, and I have a lot of work to do. It's interesting to note that a lot of the work that I do doesn't count for any marks, and only pride. And that work is from team tasks, where theres no official delegation of the workload and the only thing that matters is that the team gets the task done on time. Everyone wins, or everyone loses.

I do work because letting people down is my least favourite thing to do.
Sometimes I'm incapable of assisting, and if that is the case I don't hate myself for it.
So when others are incapable of assisting, I don't hate them for it either.

Hate is a strong, word.

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I think I realised why I like the chill so much. And it's not because I don't feel cold. I mean, even though by definition I'm on fire about 100% of the time, cold is still cold.

It's because the cold lets me appreciate the warm.

Getting up becomes super difficult. One might say it's because entering the cold is uncomfortable. But really, it's because staying in the warmth is comfortable. Warmth becomes comfort.

When I can feel the chill on my face and hands, suddenly the fact that the rest of me is warm becomes a big deal.

Cold lets you know warmth. Discomfort lets you know comfort. Sorrow lets you know joy.

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//This part was from Tuesday, 21 May

You know those things that they call scooters? Like, a slab of metal with wheels and a handle, and you step on the thing on top of the back wheel to decelerate via friction?

Well anyway, this afternoon on anzac parade there was this really really loud motorcycle, and we looked up except it wasn't a motorcycle, it was one of those. With a little motor on it. And he was just speeding down anzac parade, giving absolutely no cares about it.

Like, he had no protective clothing on. t-shirt and shorts, if the scooter ran over a rock or something on the road he probably would have flipped at 60+km/h.

And the whole absurdity of this is making me wonder if maybe I just imagined that, as well as everyone else's reaction to it.

Sometimes I have to wonder which parts of my life have actually happened, and which were just imagined.
More so when my sleep consists of multiple cycles of (waking up / being woken) from a dream, and then falling back.

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I always thought it was interesting that the computing lectures always tell you that the focus of this course is to make you awesome at programming, and once you're done you'll be doing awesome things like all of these people, and you will be good at it and you will be proud of your work and the things you make.

And then the commerce lectures are like "okay, so this is important because you'll be working in business in the future. when you're done you will be earning lots of money. and the focus of everything is money and organisational hierarchy

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From r worldnews:
Pope proclaims all redeemed, even atheists. "The Lord has redeemed all of us, all of us, with the Blood of Christ: all of us, not just Catholics. Everyone! 'Father, the atheists?' Even the atheists. Everyone!"

http://en.radiovaticana.va/news/2013/05/22/pope_at_mass:_culture_of_encounter_is_the_foundation_of_peace/en1-694445

I don't have much of an idea about the implications of this guy saying this, or how much rabble if any is going to be roused by this, but I like it.

Because if there's one thing this world is missing ...

Because there are a lot of things that this world is missing, and among them are acceptance, tolerance, understanding. I don't remember exactly what things Aung San Suu Kyi talked about, but I know tolerance was one of them. I guess tolerance is understanding and acceptance. I wish there was more of that.

I'm trying to imagine global harmony (harmony is like my favourite colour), and I guess I can't really. But even if something is impossible, it doesn't mean you shouldn't try. All you gotta do is try. A step in the right direction is an achievement in itself.

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1. scope
2. resources
3. deadline
4. quality

Scope is like, the scope of everything you need to do. The amount of things to do.
Resources can be considered as something like how many hours you put into work
The deadline is a way to measure time
Quality is how well you do things

There's like a dial for these four things. You can set the dial to whatever you want. But when you set the dials, it affects the other things. When you want to make the deadline earlier, you have to commit more resources (hours), do less things (scope), and do things worse-r.

I like this concept a lot. The things you learn in computing.

In uni, I guess I have to prioritise the deadline. And well, I can't control the scope of things, because I have to do the work. And I like to set quality to high, but not highest.

So I guess in theory it means that the hours in has to be maxed. And once it's maxed, and there is too much work to do, then the quality/scope goes down.

and that's all okay.


Even though I feel permanently behind, I know that I'm handling things better than most people. And most people get through it all. So I always know that I'll be alright.


He said that one of the things about uni is, you'll never have time to do everything. So you have to figure out which things are most important, and do those. These things don't have to be uni assignments. You could be prioritising your work or your social life. And it's all okay as long as you prioritise what is important to you.

And one of the best things you can do is to be calm and in a relaxed state of mind when you decide "Okay, I won't have time for this, so I won't do it".

I rarely stress about things because I know stressing about things doesn't actually achieve anything. Or maybe it's because I never need to stress because I do my work more or less on time, not because I'm better at managing time, but because I have more time than most people.


Maybe I don't stress because I know everything will be alright. But if I didn't know that, or if it wasn't true, maybe that would be the time to stress.

I said that uncertainty is good because it makes life more eventful. But now certainty is good because I can be calm about things. Maybe there's some tradeoff between the two. Like trading away quality of work so you can have time for the things you like.

Or maybe I could be certain that things are uncertain, and have the best of both worlds.


When I used to play games a lot, having the right mindset was really important. Because if you aren't in control of your thoughts and emotions, you aren't incontrol of how you play.


I got a package from Amazon. I was surprised, because they said that estimated arrival time would be a month later. They lied to me and sent it a month early. It was meant to arrive June 27. That's more than a month.
Maybe someone mistyped the date. Whatever, I'm okay with this.

It was a couple of albums, because despite shipping it was a lot cheaper.


People that pirate music tend either buy a lot of music, or buy no music at all. People that don't pirate music tend to buy a moderate amount of music, or use youtube/some other not illegal way.

I thought that was interesting.

If we stop thinking about the money for a second and just consider how music would be circulated in an ideal world, it would be that everyone can listen to anything they want. This lets consumers have everything, and artists to have the most exposure possible.

I think that's interesting. The question is, how do we get from here to there? I don't know. It's another one of those problems that someone else can solve. Maybe someone will one day, and that would be really awesome of them.


When I consider music, it's really not expensive. If I think about the amount of utility I get from it over my lifetime, it's actually incredible. If utility was measure-able in units, and I had to compare the amount of utility I would get from buying a meal,
music: 1,000,000,000k units, where k is some constant
food: a lot less units

but they cost the same amount of money.

Music is so cheap. But I guess it still is money. But then again, not buying textbooks already covered the amount of money I spent on music this semester.

I guess the reason its utility is so high is that it's reusable/replayable. I can study a textbook for a semester or watch a movie for an hour, and then that's it. But this music goes on for potentially a lifetime.

I don't know if I've reiterated my point enough yet, but music is really really cheap for its worth.


So even though I could save money by not buying it, when I consider the amount of money I spend on other things that really don't make a difference, its pretty much free by comparison.

I'm not sure how I can turn this idea into words, but believe me I'm trying really hard, but it's not working maybe because it's almost 4AM.

Something about
when an umbrella costs $100, but today it's 50% off, and you buy it. Then tomorrow it's 75% off. Do you feel ripped off? You shouldn't, because you already got a discount anyway. Well, assuming that this umbrella is super awesome and actually worth $100.

I'm happy that music is so discounted, even if I'm able to have it for free.

I'm happy to pay $20 for something that has a scaled worth of $200, probably more, when comparing it to other things. even though it could also be $0.


It's like i'm stuck in an infinite loop. Cant get away from this point. i think it.s time to exit program


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I'm glad I have all of this work. Because in the after HSC break I had too much leisure time. So much that leisure time was not leisure time. It was regular time, and didn't mean anything anymore.

Cold lets you know warmth


I live in a city sorrow built