17 - Resolve

artshowwwwwwww

its a shame a lot of people didnt go because it's actually just a mini variety night with art everywhere and we get 40 mins

and then some people unrelated to performances/art actually showed up which i appreciate a lot those people are all awesome ♥

and then that was my first time singing to an audience (first time singing at all i didn't actually know i have the ability to stay in tune, i think this relates to the fact that prior to idk sometime this year i would prefer to never sing when other people were in a 20m radius which was about 98% of the time and in those other 2% of the time i usually didn't sing anyway - but now i can do it, not good at it but i can do it expect singing while im streaming at twitch.tv/delete12) which wasn't really the scary the main problem was i don't know how to distance myself from the microphone. i guess the undauntingness of artshow singing to a smaller audience who aren't blacked out eliminates the need for nerves.

singing foo fighters in a band for a relatively small group of friends. i think this is for me the equivalent of winning australian idol for actual singers.

^^ ~

i'm slightly [not annoyed but vexed] that the two pink floyd songs that i acutally knew well were the two pink floyd songs we didn't play so i kind of was just playing whatever seemed right at the time which was actually the wrong thing because i don't know those songs. but its ok


that mouse + pad i won last sunday has reached its new owner. i think she likes it. not that much of a surprise. i think it's better than my current mouse. solid upgrade from a crappy embarassing $2 mouse.

and that is my good deed done for the year


i'm a bit disappointed that we couldn't have exactly tomorrows tomorrow playing tonight.

and i was so insistent that it was the original members of the band to play (well, after i joined), even though it really didn't matter that much.

it seems a bit silly. i think i value the band so much because of that first wednesday of year 11 when i got up and strided/strode over to throw something in the bin so i could get away frustrated disappointed hurt worthless (i remember saying i'm invisible asking am i invisible and i remember telling one person why everything and how invisible i felt and lying to everyone else for a year) and i slumped on that pillar at the top of the stairs leading down to the library.

i remember how i felt. i can feel the familiar waves of melancholy resonating through me, except they're distant. weaker. it doesn't hurt now. i haven't felt this particularly in a long long time. i've been dodging the ninja stars for a long long time now, now and then letting one cut me intentionally when i get bored of kittens. (refer to "day9 kittens and ninja stars") if you don't understand.

the people that went after me and sat down with me (i guess everyone else was scared) were the band. i remember it being the entire band. was it really everyone? i remember the fact that it was everyone 100% sure definitely without a doubt, but i can't picture it..

and they tried to cheer me up. i think they actually made me laugh and brighten up for a while. until the bell went and we all had to get up and i went and sat very still at the bus bay for a while. under the shelter. but i shifted backwards every 2-3 minutes a little to stay under the shade.


it's going to be sad that this all ends in a few weeks. maybe we can get together and play whatever for fun there won't be a school event we are preparing for, if we have spare time. like continuing latin now and then for fun after the hsc.

maybe..



for the other things we played, most of the time i felt a bit silly looking back at the performance because i played wrong or because i dressed stupidly

no regrets tonight. because guitar/chords are a lot harder to screw up than piano. i wasn't cut out to play that instrument. or maybe i just never practised enough. i think i wasn't cut out to play that instrument because i never could be bothered to practise enough.


why am i so confident now
why am i so enthusiastic and crazy and not embarassed to make a joker out of myself
not embarassed or ashamed for looking silly

when changed? what changed me

what happened to the little dreamer in me who was so afraid of and denied reality



if you actually remember or know what i'm talking about for everything in this post then you know me too well. if all of this seems like nonsense, or you aren't sure, then good.
should be

rising from the ashes