16 - Linger

this has always been my favourite cranberries song.
Ah ha, ha, ha


i
i'm a new day rising
i'm a brand new sky to hang the stars upon tonight. but i
i'm a little divided
do i stay or run away
and leave it all behind

...

i let today slip away quickly because i trust that tomorrow will be better
because i hope that

and look, i've been doing it, and it's been working and now it's week 8 and soon i'll never see a lot of people again:
-not that i ever really knew them in the first place
-unless i see them after they become famous. i wouldn't be surprised when they do
-drama was so impressive

i let it all end i don't stop it

but what ever happened to carpe diem
what ever happened to o captain my captain, i wanna be spontaneous, guitar outside the music rooms every lunch, discovering music and then i actually have an identity and 900+ plays of The Pretender

i don't even what i'm saying, i'm so tired i could sleep forever on a box


is this what regret feels like? but i don't even know what i regret. do i regret being the person i was? so shy, so small. but how can i regret that when that's just what i was

so shy. so scared. of something. or something.

it's not plausible to regret things because high school has been because of who i was and who i am. i don't regret that. i'm not ashamed of that.

all of those things in 7 and 8 i was so embarassed ashamed i wish i was invisible, for weeks. all those things that no one would actually remember unless i brought it up, accidentally spitting on tj's arm in year 8, "where's dl's jacket?"

although he did bring it up in year 9 "remember that time you spat on my arm" "yeah. yeah, i do"
how could i ever forget

that was in year 9 woodwork. year 9 woodwork..

woodwork was actually my favourite subject in year 7, 8 which is a bit funny because of physical weakness.

year 9 woodwork was the subject i looked forward to like how i look forward to weekends now, or the end of the hsc. which is a bit funny, a bit silly because it was the class i fitted into the least.

i was so close to doing ist/engineering instead of latin/engineering. i'm so lucky i made that last minute split second spontaneous based on nothing i didn't even think about it decision to do latin. so lucky. and now we had our last real latin lesson today.

i often wondered how things would be if i were in different classes. i was pretty disappointed at year 10 english class at first. but then my music identity would be so much different if i wasn't there. i think that was the only year i felt happy with english overall. happy 10:37. that was the first year when i thought i understood english. and then the first part of year 11. and then i slowly realised that i don't actually get it and i can't be bothered and it's been downhill since then. i remember joyeeta gave me a 7/10 for a wide reading task and i was pretty bitter about it inside because i actually read the book and did it not the night before. the mark irritated me because of the work i put into it, not because i deserved that mark (which i did).

i wondered who i would be if all my classes were different. because really back then my electives especially affected my path so much. where would i be now in that parallel universe? well, that universe was parallel those few years ago, but i suppose after this time they have diverged. where would i be in that alternate universe. what wouldn't have happened. what would have happened instead

are these regrets? no i don't think so. i think. i'm not sure.
i'm just feeling a bit strange after today.
tomorrow or the day after i will say here i am, no regrets,


i think i have some kind of trust, misguided or not, that after everything, good and bad, is wiped off the slate, i'll get another shot at the things i missed. or the things i didn't even shoot for in the first place.

mostly the latter, i guess


i feel sick now.
"when was the last time you ate"
its a quote from a beautiful mind
i remember watching that in pe. i got 67/70 in the final test for that. think i still B'd it.

i dont even know what im here anymore. i think i didn't get sleep last night. that explains it.

i want to shut eyes. but i wanted to practise piano for grad so i don't screw up
im going to screw up

but its already 11 and i shouldnt be disturbing others

i'm going to screw up. i haven't eaten dinner. where am i what's happening no i dont regret high school