Imaginary Window

I better sneak in a post before the year ends.

Let's see... there's not much to report. For my blog, no news is probably good news.

I've settled into a nice monotonous lifestyle. I guess I'm doing pretty well. I'm pretty fortunate.

Nothing changes much. Nothing is that exciting. Nothing is that surprising. I don't have any real goals. I wonder, should I have ambitions and be aspiring to something? No, I don't think that's a good question. Ambition isn't something you should or shouldn't have, you either do or you don't. I should be asking, should I be seeking out inspiration, or waiting for it to find me? or not find me

Hm.

Sometime near the start of university I got my first smartphone and set the lock text to "inspiration and truth". Those were two things I thought I should be living by. Seeking inspiration and truth. It sounds pretty good. When you're inspired you do more things and feel good about it. You wake up at 6:50am on Fridays and leap out of bed. You're motivated and have a purpose.

It really does sound pretty good, I guess. I thought I knew the answer to that question as I wrote it, I do not.


I'm grateful for this time to think. I write very slowly. A very low amount of words per minute. Maybe 95% of the time is thinking, the rest typing. I realised the other week that I don't spend much time thinking anymore. I don't have much time for thinking because I'm busy wasting it. When I'm alone with nothing to do, I can think. And when I think about myself, my life, and life, it might be loneliness, but it's also experiencing emotion in a life that doesn't have much of it. In this state I'm more aware. You could say it's when I am most alive.

Maybe it's good to seek out inspiration, but I don't really care about being motivated, because I'm not motivated.

I think I'm at a good checkpoint in my life. If I died I would have less regrets than most people.


This year I've fallen out of touch with all of my friends. I think it's natural that this happened because of my personality. For better or worse, I've become more comfortable with who I am. And I'm introverted and antisocial.


I read a few chapters of Quiet, a gift from a friend a few years ago. My first book of the year I think. It discusses introversion and it's pretty boring. It brings up some interesting topics, but it's too verbose. Or maybe I am too impatient for books. It contains a lot of anecdotes which I don't think are a good way to present opinions. That sentence doesn't seem grammatically correct but it might be.

One of the things it made me think about was how hard society pushed extroversion. I can relate to those with my own anecdotes. For example, group work and forced participation just for the sake of it. I'm glad I don't have to deal with too much pointless extroversion in my job, and I feel sorry for those that do.


This year I've started caring less about the world. Strangers, homeless, climate change, politics. I'm not a member of the Earth club, I'm just an inhabitant. Or maybe that should be the human club. Maybe both.

I wonder what life would look like when we finally get it right. Who am I kidding, that will never happen. Maybe I'm being too cynical and everyone is doing their best to make the world around them a little better. Nah, maybe not.

Perfection is something we can't reach, but we should still try to make things better.


I often feel like I'm killing time until I die. And that is acceptable. I don't think someone like me has a very high life expectancy. Luckily for future me who cares a little bit more, things are going to change one way or the other.


That's my year I guess. I hope that sums it up nicely. I might have given the wrong impression, but things are going well and I'm pretty happy.


I want to buy a nylon guitar so I can play without having callouses.