Forbidden

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I had a two hour dream this morning. I was about to say it was from 6 to 8, but I wrote down what I could remember after I woke up, and that writing began at around 10:20. I'm losing track of time already. I'm not getting good sleep. But I guess it doesn't really matter, exams are done. Holidays...

I was walking back home. In the last couple hundred metres, I notice a potentially dangerous looking person coming the other way. What does potentially dangerous looking look like? I don't really know, it's a dream and that's what they were. So I stopped and turned away. No, I'm being ridiculous... I turn back. Actually no, I don't want to walk into this person. I dodge to the other side of the road.

Then I notice that he's holding a gun. My dreams rarely have guns. In fact, I can't really remember if I've had any gun dreams at all. If reading this worries you, don't worry. The dream was okay.

At this point some things happened, and I'm not really sure what the order was.
1st version: He points the gun at me. I run. After a few seconds I turn back, and notice that he's placing the gun to his own head. I run towards him, shouting "Wait! Wait!" as loud as I can.
2nd version: I notice that he's placing the gun to his own head. I run. I don't want to see this. I used to look away from the platform as trains arrived because I didn't want to see someone kill themself. I guess you might be happy to know that I don't fear or think about that much anymore. Then I turn back. I can't just run from this. I run towards him, shouting "Wait! Wait!" as loud as I can. He points the gun at me.

Someone else runs up to him from the other side. I don't remember what they do. Maybe they try to disarm him. Maybe they try to talk to him. Whatever it was, the guy was having none of that. He fires the gun twice, but he's shooting in the air. No intention to kill. The other person flees.

At this point I'm within talking distance. Somehow. I say some things to him. I don't really remember what. I'll listen to you, I'll be your friend. Naturally, he doesn't want to talk to me. However, I manage to get him to answer "why?". He was responsible for his child's death, and maybe some other things.

Some more stuff happens. He ends up meeting some friend and they walk away. Yeah, I don't know.

After a minute I decide to go after them. It's hard to see them through the crowd. Oh, suddenly it was crowded. There are plenty of people and cars and people walking on the road. It was like a village environment in a street setting. I end up finding them.

I can't remember what happens then.

Eventually we end up in some scene that feels like the bottom of a stairwell, but isn't. It's some part of some building. There's weak to moderate yellow lighting and plenty of shadows. It still feels warm though. Like a small fire. Or maybe it feels cold, like a small fire about to burn out. We talk a bit about depression. I don't remember the details of that. Except it did involve this graph:

I don't remember what the y axis was, but it probably wasn't important.

He ends up saying what subjects he is studying. One of them was "implementing concurrency in Hammer". ??

I can't tell if he's a high school student, uni student, or after-uni student. He is revealed to be a late uni student.

I end up saying, "there's three things that I've noticed about your situation. First ..."
I forgot what the first thing I said was. I also forgot what the second thing was. Yeah, sorry. He gets up and leaves before I can say the third thing.

It is now another day, or maybe later on the same day. I'm at some building. It's implied to be the computing faculty at some university, but it's not unsw. In fact, it's weird, I'm wondering where the building layout came from. I don't think I've seen it before this dream. Some irrelevant stuff happens. I don't remember much of it, but I remember enough to know it's irrelevant.

As I'm leaving class, I end up seeing the guy, his friend and his wife (who I somehow recognise) in another class about to finish. I decide to wait for them. I notice his wife hug a stranger.

After a while most people have left. The guy is sitting on the floor, his back against a pillar. I approach. Then his wife says something and tries to hug me, but I break away. And I get really mad. I get mad and say some things that I can't remember. The only part I remember is shouting "Mei you ginseng!". Don't have ginseng. There is no ginseng. If I didn't check my spelling, I would have typed it as "Mai yo ging seng". Oh well. I don't know what prompted me to burst out in Chinese. That's quite strange. It's not something that I do. Ever. I thought ginseng had some alternate meaning, or is derived from some word that is related to spirituality, force, energy, good. Not sure about that though. But that's what I was going for. "There is no good spiritual force energy in this". She leaves.

I say to the guy "the third thing I was going to say was that your wife must have been unsupportive/unfaithful for you to become like this".

Then I say "let me add you on facebook, because if I don't see you again I want to know what happened, rather than live in speculation". I don't know if that's a good thing to say to someone, but if I were the guy, it would have been a good thing to say to me, otherwise my dream self wouldn't be saying it. I say that amongst other, cliche things that I can't remember.

"Why give me this sliver of hope?", he asks.

Because I understand (but do I really?) and want to help. Some more cliche things. You know, this part was actually really emotional, but my dream narration has really jumped out of the window for this one.

His friend comes back (I swear this guy is actually completely useless, all he contributed to anything was snarky remarks every now and then) and we leave. The rest of the dream is random. He mentions he is a league of legends player, and that dota is for noobs. We run into someone, and they offer me a cookie. I ask for a bit, and they break off a a piece the size of a 1cm cube. At this point the dream has become stupid enough for me to wake up, and I do just that.

... trust me, the dream was better in person. It's one of those things where you had to be there. But I really thought this one was worth mentioning, because it was positive.

-----

I decided to do something about the spider this morning. I found a broom, took it off the ceiling, and dropped it outside. I'm sorry I took so long. Rest in peace, friend.

They finished building the extension some time ago, and I moved to a new room after exams. I have bad lungs and the process was dusty. But it was bearable. Good bye, old room. They'll be destroying it eventually. I spent well over half of my life there.

This new room faces the sun in the morning. It's actually very inconvenient for me. Or maybe very convenient for me. It makes me wake up early, whether I want to or not. I guess it means I'll have more time in my day since I'll go from on average 8-9 hours to 7-8 hours, which is still enough. But it's not good because I sleep too late. Maybe I'll become a morning person, and always have three meals a day. It might be a good idea for me to try and go for a walk or a run before breakfast, since I don't always feel like eating after waking up.

The sun means I also need to turn up my computer's brightness during the day and down at night. I'm closer to the birds outside now, who are sometimes loud at night and always loud in the morning. I'm also closer to the cars on the opposite road. Maybe it isn't about distance, but rather losing a few buffer rooms that take the sound away.

I'll probably get used to all of this.

I listened to stella the other day, which I don't always do, and I heard something new. That was really nice.

I'm not good at throwing things away. I'm a hoarder. But, I threw away almost all of my high school books and tests. No space. Maybe one day I'll regret that, but I guess I've managed to go for many years without them.

I found some old things and realised I had some very good friends. But I was so self centered. I wasn't understanding at all.

What am I now? I don't know..

I'm tired. I need to sleep more and have more nothing-time.

There is a road to happiness, we just haven't found it yet.