1901

i enrolled in the talented tutorials and i already feel stupid.

it's like, something feels wrong, but nothing is actually wrong.

strange
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now it's no longer tuesday, and it is friday instead. Well, thursday/friday boundary time. whatever

feels less wrong now. that's better.



i guess the strange thing about that feeling is that it had been a while since i had a feeling of wrongness. In some ways, I had more problems a month ago than I do now, but it's only now I get this worry.

well, it's ok now, and that's ok.

Maybe it's some feeling of directionlessness, but I'm not lost because I'm not trying to go anywhere. It's like I've stopped at some other world and everywhere there is colourful chaos of life or they're people\ going about their everyday. I guess it's like if something came to our world, sat down in a city and wondered what it should be doing.

I hear stories of people having internships at microsoft and being offered a job, but sadly it's not in australia, and I think that's awesome I would want to do that, but then it's not in australia.

and I keep thinking "why am I doing commerce, again?" and it's because of two things.
1. I didn't know what commerce or computing would be like
2. people that are not me said it was a good choice

I'm not going to change it, but this is something that I really have to, and really will think about at the end of this semester.


Maybe all the worry was because of textbooks, and then I thought "screw it, don't need textbooks". Or maybe it's because I have this list. Some things will never be crossed off, like mgmt readings, maths homework, comp stuff. and mgmt essay, because I will never do that.

oh, I should do maths work during my 2 hour breaks.

I have a 9am start tomorrow, my first ever, and have to wake up in less than 6 hours. I would have slept earlier, but it wouldn't have worked.

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saturday. there is work to do, but i don't feel like doing that, and week 4-5 will probably be horrible. but that's okay. It's kind of like high school in the sense that I can't find any convincing reason to do work

there is nothing for me to blog about, which is a good thing.

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it's monday evening now. my keyboard is playing up, which is not-good. I was doing readings for management on the weekend and it was actually really really really stupid, like it was so stupid beyond comprehension, and it just convinced me that commerce is not the way to go because wtf why am I even doing it. Anyway, it was really stupid, at least that is how I felt, and for a while I believed yeah I'm not going to do this. I mean, I haven't participated in anything related to business society and other commerce stuff, because I don't feel any affiliation with it.

but I guess that's kind of cooled off now and I don't mind so much, maybe I'll keep it but I still will think about what I am going

I guess this is due to me figuring out I can borrow textbooks for 2 hours from the library so it's ok that I didn't buy them it's ok, it's okay.

and more importantly due to me not being the only person wondering what is this even. I guess there are some people who are really really into commerce, and that's great, good for them, and they're crazy. And there are also some other people who aren't crazy, which is a relief.

Today, or yesterday I guess, I saw JM on a train, and the train was literally packed full, I spent most of the time not holding onto anything and just trying to balance, and we said nothing, and pretty much also nothing after it got to eastwood as well. That was awesome!

I guess when I don't see people for a while I forget about them, but at the same time I would grow fond of them and think about how I take them for granted, well, I would but I'm busy forgetting about them. And then if I see someone it's like wow, you exist! That's so awesome! I'm so glad you exist!

and then I remembered all these other people who also exist. I'm so glad they exist! I'm so glad you exist!




while I was trying to sleep a day ago, I thought of something really cool. And I forgot what it was!

well, that sucks.

although I do remember thinking "I'll probably forget about this by the time I wake up". awesome!


On the way home today I thought "on the days that I do go to uni, most of the time I am happy that I went to uni, and on the days that I don't go to uni, I am happy that I don't have to go to uni"

I don't think anything else I can think or remember is unstupid enough to be here. I should sleep earlier.

I can't believe so many people exist! Thanks for existing!


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tuesday! ..

dunno what was going on yesterday. today feels like head ache. i think it's because i underslept for monday and normal slept for tuesday. or maybe it's the cold. or maybe the cold caused that. i'm wearing a sleeping bag, sometimes i do that.

and then there is that feeling of doing something wrong which i get a lot, even when i'm not doing something wrong. doing something not as right as i could, which is probably the actual cause.


there's cse camp this weekend and i didn't really want to go but then other people are going and everyone said it's going to be great.

cartoon themed dance party? what. uhhhhhhhhhhhh

rescheduling friday math tutorial because there's no time for that

two simple problems, i guess. maybe i just like it when there are no problems.

oh, I just got an email from the tutor who forwarded it to someone else. Unless that someone else is also up at 12:24, I guess I have to go to school on thursday.

that's ok.

i think something that i do too much is decide the best solution to a problem is to not act upon it. because then i realise that isn't the best solution and have less time.

and i need to pack things but whatever, that can be done later.

i have to write an essay, but i really don't want to, but i know i should, but i don't want to so i don't, but because i know i should, it feels like. mental chains.

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wednesday

Got home at 11(PM) and made myself write a blog for openlearning computing, and I wanted to write today as well and I was all like I'll forget but it's more important that I remember computing so I'll do that first

12:19 is cold, but 9:46 was quite warm

I hoped I would get a proper night's sleep last night because I was already behind a bit, and I decided to wake up at like 4 and 6, and that sucked, but it was alright because those were just ends of cycles.

And my dad was at home when I woke up so I didn't need to walk to the station, skipping breakfast. I realised at like 10:30 that we had to go because the train is 10:39, and I rushed to get my things oh I forgot to charge my netbook which I ended up needing in my 6-9 comp tute today but I managed without it anyway, and somehow despite the extra I had eaten only several grains of rice for breakfast and had a banana for the car.

But then it was 10:37 when the car left and I was like oh that's okay I can just catch the next one. And we got to the station at like 10:40 and I was watching while we passed and the train hadn't come or left, and I thought oh it might be late, gotta run. And then the train clock said 10:36:58 and I said oh what it's only 10:37 and my dad was like yep, the clock is a few mins fast you know.

And on the station I went to where the first carriage of the train would be because I figure that's the best one to catch if I like getting to the 891 as fast as possible. And I saw a bunny near the train tracks. Like 2m away, under the billboards, nibbling grass and all of that. It was not-white, cream colour with brown spots and blots and splotches. I watched it, and it seemed like no one else was watching it or even looking in its general direction, because they all have phones and all of that, and I guess there isn't much reason to examine train tracks.
It hopped a bit closer to the tracks and I was thinking hey no, please no, there's a train soon. Hey wait, the train should be here by now. What's the time? I step away to get in range of a clock
10:40:xx
the train is coming.
I hop back and look at the tracks as the train is rolling in and can't see the bunny anywhere in the couple of seconds that I have before the train obscured the view.

And I wonder.

One of the possible conclusions was that I am a smaller scale of John Nash (from a beautiful mind) and the bunny was not there and doesn't exist, and I created the whole thing based on subconscious influences.

in short, that I am un-sane.
thought it was a possibility

but to be crazy is to be alive


and I got back to eastwood at 10:36 and 10:37 ended up being 5:36 of this song, which I think is alright, and that was alright.



I don't know what was going on yesterday, but everything is okay. but then again, everything is always okay, but it's not every day that \everything's alright

hah

Camp? I don't have time, or I'm not willing to spend the time, to worry about things, so I will take any reasonable consequences



I just tried to find april.#02 on youtube, but it's not there anymore! at all! such a shame. I guess some people just care about money more than their artists getting recognition.

There is a fly in my room, which is some thing that sometimes happens, and I wish it would leave but this place is lighted I guess. When I turn off the lights, if it is still here, I will be able to hear the panic and then the thuds of crashing into wall then floor. lol.

anyway I figured out why I am so fascinated by drums. It's because I don't know how to do it! maybe because I haven't been able to try and learn. But I haven't tried nor learned accordians, and I don't have much care for them. What I meant is if I could mentally map out each thing I'm meant to hit, I can't keep up, like I would be able to if it were something more simple like vocals. Well I can but not in the same way what am I even talking about what is this even being typed nevermind. and I was thinking about the end of april.#02, which is quite literally percussive chaos, and wondering that maybe it's because I listen to kashiwa daisuke too much

anyway there is a new rule that i will never talk about anything music related

except for adding onto before, there's a similar thing with guitar solos that are so fast that i can't distinguish between notes and it just becomes sound. (like long road to ruin!, oh this takes me back, trying to learn it but i never could because i was never good)


I said before about thinking something and forgetting it after sleep, hey I remembered it today. Oh and I remembered having dreams last night - remembering dreams seems to be easier when I wake up after each - but the only thing I remember is that I remembered them. for like 5 mins then I got up and life.

Anyway, I wrote it down. The development of maths. So if you're in my algebra tute or my old 1131 lectures you might have heard this before.

And I thought it was super cool to because it was all about why this exists and we learn it, because anyone can teach you what. Just google.

and I just realised that paragraph-sentence above is something that my old mgmt lecturer said (they swap out every few weeks apparently). He said that you don't come to my lectures to learn because you can just google anything, but you come to them to get perspectives about the things learned. horrible paraphrase-ation.

So anyway, the development of maths. oh and I found maths today interesting, finally something new. I knew there were complex roots of real numbers, but complex roots of complex numbers!? how come i never thought about this before?

(it wasn't in the syllabus)

anyway, maths.

IN THE BEGINNING there were no numbers. We would look at things, and we would identify that there were different amounts of things. And we would process that in our thoughts, but we had no name for numbers. But we could, just by looking, identify up to 6-7 things instantly, or if we were gorrillas, up to 20ish, without "counting".

But we needed numbers. We needed a word for the amounts of things. Because the language that is thought is not one that can be recalled easily \ like remembering the words "two slippers" is much easier than remembering two slippers \ I'm just adding things about thought as a language, that is unique for every person, which we translate into words to communicate with others, so much irrelevance and not-making-sense, sorry.

We needed words so we could communicate numbers with each other, because holding up fingers can only go so far.

And then there were numbers. And it's so interesting that to some, the number 0 made no sense at all. It just ... didn't compute. Zero? But that's nothing! That can't be a number.
Like if I asked you to play a H# for me to help me tune.

But it was a number. And negative numbers. Same thing. How can you have negative apples? what are you even on about. But then knowledge prevailed, and there were negative numbers. And then you added negative numbers and subtracted negative numbers and that was adding it was all awesome.

But then there were more numerical concepts that people couldn't figure out. Like what if I had 3 sheep but there's 7 of us and we don't know how to share and oh man everything is messed up. And I really need to sleep or something because I have that replacement tute tomorrow. And then there were fractions!

And then there were irrational numbers, and the guy that proved sqrt2 is irrational was killed because numbers were important to people and the concept of an irrational number made no sense and ruined everything, much like fractions and negative numbers and 0.

and then for some reason some dude thought that square roots don't do enough, why can't they work on negative numbers? I want to know the sqrt of -13. And then there was imaginary numbers - imaginary, because none of this was serious because every mathematician knew that you can't square root a negative number. hence imaginary. But there were so many cool things to come out of imaginary numbers that they're still with us now and they're alright.

And I'm assuming there's more that people who study maths learn about, if anyone studied maths as a degree. i heard it all goes to theory and that doesn't sound fun.

so anyway the reason i thought all of this was so interesting was that if you explained to a dude who didn't believe in the number 0 that there are things called complex numbers, he would beat you up.

There's so much that we don't know that it might as well be infinite, but at every period of time we think we understand. It's like the box we are in, the walls, while they look like walls, are actually curtains that you can rip down. And behind those curtains is another wall of the box, but that is also curtains. And what you don't know is, there are actually countless but not infinite layers of curtains there, waiting to be ripped down.

I hate curtains!


And the actual thing that I was thinking about and forgot was that from something that we invent, simple numbers, 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. It just builds and expands upon itself indefinately. We create a simple definition of numbers, and it evolves into this.

it came from a definition and just invented itself and went on forever

and
It could be just like the big bang!

can you see the connection? kind of? no? well...

I'm not saying that there is one, but if there was, that would be so cool!

I guess that's how my imagination works. "if things were like this, it would be so awesome!" it doesn't matter whether they actually are or not, but if they were, it would be really damn cool and imagining is the only way to live in that world, or reality.


and then I also wonder, on a scale from natural numbers to complex numbers (an incomplete scale), where do we currently sit at, if we are considering our understanding of how everything works?

I imagine existence where you already know everything. It kind of sucks. You go about knowing everything that is going to happen. Your main purpose is to experience emotions and process information from your senses. There's not much else to do until you are done living. 

and maybe there is no knowing everything. Maybe knowledge is something we invented. maybe there is actually nothing in everything, but we invent meaning into it, and extrapolate from the meaning that we have invented, and analyse our extrapolation. what am i even doing here.

sometimes i go a bit to far and might as well not be thinking at all


i actually liked the algebra part of math lecture today (and i haven't started the algebra homework for tomorrow but that's ok because i dont think any surprises that i need to pre-learn for)

because it was something new, and sadly i can't find many people that share the enthusiasm i have. when he did complex roots of complex numbers i thought hey wait we did this, except it was complex roots of real numbers. wait, how come i never considered complex roots of complex numbers, wow, that exists, but i never thought about it.

mr ribbans often mentioned the intermediate value theorem. we used it for curve sketching, but our definition was, "the only way the graph can change signs (from + to - / - to +) is if there is a discontinuity or a root. i guess this is a converse of the actual thing, or a result of it. what's the word. consequence.

maths



it's not the miracle i needed