Exile Vilify

finished writing that paragraph a while ago. feels like one of the most to-the-point paragraphs i have ever written, but the thing is, i have felt that way about every paragraph and practise essay, and they've all been shot down with suggestions/annotations. it makes me feel bad seeing them every time, like a fail. even though it isn't. maybe that's why i dislike english. feedback. for maths it's either right or wrong, and i can laugh about it like "oh, i lost my only half-mark for writing 11pi/0", or just see what careless mistake i did, or know during the test whether i didn't know how to do it.

but for english, homework pieces feel like tests and assessments that count, and every failure is a failure.


i haven't really done much on the computer for the past 2 hours or so. some might reason that i have done nothing in the last 2 hours, and it's been a complete waste of time. i think they might be right. there is absolutely nothing to do, but i'm here anyway. i could have went to sleep ages ago, but i didn't feel like it. i could have went to sleep at 10:50, but i didn't feel like it.

oh and actually there is stuff to do, 3 days of maths homework and also that chemistry assessment which i managed to forget about for the last post.


after reading some books, usually books, i sometimes brood upon what has happened, as if it could have gone any other way, as if it were reflecting on my own life. and it feels really empty when i realise that it's just a book and nothing actually exists, and that's just the end there, there's nothing after that. i hate it when fiction does that to me

i think it may be because i'm more attached to those fictional worlds than this one. somehow. maybe it's because nothing really actually happens in this world, there are no struggles, no adventures, no challenges. you might disagree with me there, and good for you. you don't have the same problems. it's strange that the thing i hate about this world is it's perfectness, because with that perfectness lies uneventfulness.


Here's a question which I haven't asked myself, but probably should have. a long time ago. i think it explains it.

what do i want?



thinking about it



i don't know



nothing?



i want a new keyboard, some chocolate, a lot of chocolate on second thoughts, to never have to go to sleep until i feel like it, don't want to go to school tomorrow, to immerse myself in music as easily as in water, to never have to swim

i've been thinking for like 5 minutes and that's all i can come up with (as well as the things below). surely there's some other material want.

umm

still looking around, thinking for something i want.

...

...

my blanket to stop being crumply, i think. can't really think of anything else, wow i didn't realise how wantless i am


anyway, as for those other, less simplistic wants:


what do i want?

do i want to be the ultimate student at school and do very well in every subject?
kind of? not really. i don't want it, but i'm going to do it anyway, i'm still going to try.

do i want to be the ultimate starcraft player, be one of the best in SEA?
kind of. i kind of want it, but i'm not going to try just to get there. i just play for the sake of playing. no, i don't really want that either i guess.


what else do i do...


do i want to be a better guitar player?
kind of. i'm not good at it, but i can do it. but i don't really want it, but i wouldn't mind it.

that's a good way to put it. i wouldn't mind all of these things, but i don't really want them.



what else...



glasses that i like, not that i dislike mine. that's what i thought, but i guess i want to have to have better vision. and i guess i also want to be taller and the rest of that etc etc

but i just realised that those aren't wants. they're wishes. i don't believe in wishes.



seriously is that all i can think of? is there not anything else in the world worth wanting?

is there anything worth wanting?



i don't know. yes, i think, but not for me.
i think that's my problem



the thing i want the most right now is the keyboard. and i don't even want that, i'm happy enough with this one, even though it's curved and i would prefer a regular one.

that's quite sad.




thinking back, i don't think i've wanted anything for most of this year. like, maybe the computer. but that was originally my brother's idea, anyway. i don't remember why it was his idea, but it was. thanks.

thanks for getting me wasting light, harvard



looking forward, i don't really know if i'll want anything, ever. maybe one day.

it looks grim



my mum cooked some egg for me to eat. thank you. i didn't say that to her.

just realised

what the hell, i didn't even say thank you, i was just like no don't put it on eragon, no don't put it on my latin book, can you just put it here, okay here is some paper from the foodpad, there, now can i move it here

what the hell



i kind of envy all of you. i envy if you go to tutoring. i envy if you spend time studying regularly, or working hard. even though i personally don't like the idea of people getting tutored, because i don't feel like i need to. i still envy that you can feel motivated enough to care about school like that. i wish i could feel like that.




i used to think in despair "what's going to happen to me? what's going to happen to me?". because i have an unfortunate ability of making educated predictions. and i didn't really like what i knew.

but i kind of just lived following "just live, there's no point fretting about the future". just ignoring myself.

the funny thing is, i was right. well, not funny.



i kind of feel the same now, about the future in general. except this time i don't really care what happens.



apparently it's been like an hour of this post. spend too much time trying come up with things that i want. still don't feel like going to sleep, unfortunately. oh well