Colorless

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On Saturday I noticed some jacaranda flowers lying on my neighbours' driveway. "Oh", I thought, and looked up at the trees nearby. None were blooming. None had any flowers at all. I didn't really care anyway, so I continued past them.

I was carrying broken bricks and small pieces of concrete to put into an industrial bin in front of our neighbours' house. The flowers just happened to be right in the middle of my path, so I couldn't help but notice them as I went back and forth. Maybe I just wasn't looking properly, so I looked up at the trees again, but it was the same. It makes no sense. Whatever, it doesn't really matter anyway.

but... how? Maybe I'm just imagining the flowers. I'm just seeing things. No, they're still lying there.

Maybe they're from ghost trees. They used to be here, but they don't exist anymore. ... what? No, that makes no sense at all.

Maybe my neighbours parked under a jacaranda tree somewhere and flowers fell onto their car. A few stayed on until they got home, and fell off just before they drove into the garage. Highly implausible, but I can believe that.

So I believed it, and then stopped thinking about it.


I had a dream where I ended up talking to a teacher from my high school. Yes, a teacher, not my teacher. My wording is deliberate.

It was a few nights ago, I can't recall it that well, but I said something about how I was unsure about what commerce major I should be taking.

I can't remember exactly what he said. Something along the lines of picking something that will help me grow, and not choosing to do something just because it will be easier. Thinking back now, it's funny that he would say that, because that's exactly how I've been living my life. My entire life has been so easy, and I like it like that. I remember thinking some weeks ago, I would rather an easy life than a happy one. I don't really care.

"Why should I make choices that make it harder for me?" I asked him.

And then suddenly, in a shaky, hoarse, choked whisper, he replied, "Can you see my tears, mate?"

Yes. "Tears trapped in the wrinkles around his eyes", I thought. Eyes red and puffy. How else can I describe it? It was just an image of raw sorrow.

"It's a blivered finish line", he told me.

I couldn't speak, but I nodded and wept as well.


...blivered, no, it's not a word, I checked just then. But that's what he said.

I have one commerce course left before I have to do something related to my major. This is a problem because I don't know what to major in.

One solution is to do 3 computing courses and one commerce course next semester, but that means I'll have to do more commerce near the end of my degree and my skills will deteriorate as I'm not using them, one of the many costs of unemployment.

The other solution is to figure out which major I'll take. I don't want to do management or anything else that has essays. The choices I'm considering are accounting, finance, one of the economics available, or "Information Systems and Information Technology". This one looks somewhat related to computing. but it also seems to involve a lot of "communicating with suppliers/customers/partners" and management-like things. I haven't heard good things about it.

I ended up getting almost twice the average for that test that I studied very hard for, which was nice. Was it worth the effort? I don't know. The marks don't really matter I guess, but neither does my time or effort. I thought about what it would be like to be an economist. I don't think it's something I would be. I would rather make things than analyse. Some of the content is very interesting, but it's been unexceptionally taught.

I liked statistics but I think stats is from the maths school.

Actually, it doesn't really matter what I do next semester because I have 9 courses left. I need to do 7 courses for a major, so 2 of them can be anything else. Or at least I hope that's how it works. I can worry about this later.


My mum talked about how she had a dream about her mum, who passed away in 2011. It was strange because she rarely has dreams about her. My grandmother didn't talk in the dream, but she was clearly distressed about something, and I guess the message was just "something is wrong". My mum called some relatives, and one said she also had a dream about my grandmother. So they called relatives at the place where she used to live, and it turns out a sister-in-law had moved pictures of her somewhere else, so they moved the pictures back.

A long time ago someone told her that she would have two sons. No, that can't happen she replied, China has a one child policy. Nah, trust me it will happen, they assured. Then later, she moved to Australia and had me.

She met someone who somehow knew that she had a miscarriage (which I didn't know until today), and someone who said she would have 4 "cuts" in her lifetime. They've already happened - 2 caesarian births and 2 surgeries, so this is a good prophecy as it means there won't be any more.

And a long time ago someone predicted three ages, which were like hurdles where there was a chance she would die. I can't remember what the ages were, but one of them was soon, in the 50's.

I don't believe in the things she believes in. I used to mention or address fate as if it were real, but I never truly believed in fate. A few times I mentioned some kind of guardian angel that made sure I would be safe. Or maybe it was only once. I don't think they are real. I don't believe in anything.

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Here is the majestic tree. I guess it looks disappointingly ordinary. I used a panorama to get a shot of it, so it looks smaller than it actually is. This angle looks like I was standing pretty far away, at small angle, maybe 20-30 degrees. In reality the angle, bottom to top, was from 0 to around 75. It's quite a tall tree.

I don't know exactly why the word majestic came to mind when I tried to describe this tree. When I saw it I was struck by how different it was. Towering, away from the others, leafless. Like an ancient from a long forgotten era. The vines look pretty cool.

Our hopeful friend is aging. He's lost his colour and is slowly dying. Another poor casualty of life. This will be the last photo.

I saw all of these orange ones on the way home. They looked really nice. I saw them again two days later, and some were already dying.

Before the break, there was a garden that I would have to walk by to get home. There was a row of trees with blossoms like cotton wool, and underneath them a hedge that had flowers of its own, and some other random but nice plants all over the place.

I should have taken a photo then, because it's all gone now. The trees' leaves are now dark maroon, and have could be cherries. All of the hedge-flowers are brown and shriveled. The spark of life disappears so quickly. But just because their colour has left them, it doesn't mean they are dead. They're still alive. They crumble so easily, lifeless for so long, but eventually they will be reborn, with a flash of life... before crumbling once more. Maybe this just how they are. It doesn't have to be tragic. It means that as long as they are still alive, they will bloom again when winter ends.


On Monday I noticed that a lot of jacaranda trees were blooming. Of all days. It makes sense, though. Maybe the flowers were always there, but when I looked up I only saw grey, because that's what I wanted to see. Well, they've grown big enough now, I can see them. They'll fall soon.
Today, or rather yesterday, I folded a rabbit out of purple paper.