Medicine

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...

there. it's finished. i'm finally done.

it took a while, didn't it. there was a long period of i'm almost done, i'm nearly done, i'm almost done, i'm so close, but i'm not done yet... nearly...

well, now i'm done.
 

The end.

I'm being ambiguous when I don't need to. This was the last thing that truely mattered, and now it's done. But... don't worry. I'm not leaving. I'll still be here.

...

I don't know what to say. I've never been so empty. I imagine people might think that's the same thing as being sad. It's not that. I haven't felt deeply sad in a long time. This is the absence of everything. This is just nothing.


It's not so bad...

I haven't had so much fun playing games in a long time, as well. Maybe to some, I haven't been this happy in a long time.

I don't really understand. Yeah, I know it isn't good to be like this, but ... whatever. It's... okay.


What now? Just stay and play it out until the end.
Someone asked me what my dreams and aspirations were. I thought of this before. None, I told them. That wasn't entirely true. I wanted to play swan song. I guess I kind of did that. Got to the point where I'm just not good enough to play it any better. Close enough, I guess. I did my best. No, I didn't. But I tried.

Today a student in my tutorial lent our tutor a couple of white board markers. They were used for a few minutes, then the rest of the hour (around 30 mins) was on a computer. At the end, I thought the tutor would probably forget about them, and the student might forget about them too. I could remind them, even if they didn't forget, just to make sure they aren't left in the room and stolen later.

It would be easy if I was one of the last to leave the room, but I was near the front. So I didn't do anything. Just left. What was I thinking while leaving? In words, maybe "it isn't my problem", "it isn't really a big loss", "to be honest I actually don't care at all", "I never claimed to be a good person anyway". I don't know if they remembered to take the markers.

I arrived just in time to miss my train home. That's fine, it isn't that long of a wait anyway. If the buses were slightly later, I would catch a later train anyway.

I went up and found a seat for myself. But there was a wallet at the end of it. So I stopped, blocking someone for a couple of seconds, and sat somewhere else. There were only a few people on the carriage, so no one took the wallet seat.

So I sat there, folding, and thinking. If I take it, it will have the highest chance possible of being returned to its owner. If I don't take it, it won't. I thought of all the things that could go wrong from taking it, or being seen taking it. Then I thought of all of the things that could go right. Then I thought of all of the things that could go wrong.

After a while I decided not to leave it. Some pathetic justifications, and then the real reason, because I don't really care. I'll take all the bad karma. That's fine, I probably deserve it.

So, that's me. I don't care. When I hear about others' misfortune, I don't really care about it. When I talk to people I don't know, maybe I'll be interested in what they are saying only for the sake of politeness. If I know you, I'll be honest enough not to pretend. Is that better or worse? Either way, I just don't care. Sorry, I thought, but that's not true.

That's really fucked up, isn't it?

Was I always like this?


I don't know why I got up. There was no click, no moment of enlightenment. No change in mentality, no reason. Maybe I just wanted a story to tell. But I got up, and went over to the other seat. There'll be some ID, the police can get it back to the owner. Oh even better, this card has a phone number on it.

The guy was exactly as you might imagine. Older, brighter, confident voice, greatly relieved. Dropped it off at a station so he could go get it later. I'm sure that saved him a lot of trouble. Good for him.

To be honest, I didn't really care.

I told him I was glad to help, and I was... but I didn't care. I don't know why I did it. The same perplexing reason I live.

But I remember at some point during all of that, I thought "does this mean ... there is still hope for me?"

stars made of sin