Slipped

The last couple of weeks of uni have been pretty nice.
... maybe I should just end the post here.

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I thought I'd stop this post and come back another day, but I'm too tired to do anything else.


Today on the bus back from uni I heard someone talking about being attacked and losing his phone and having to walk 15 minutes and a stranger found him and called a taxi to the police station for him. I heard him say that it was at "Denistone, near Eastwood" and I thought oh... I know that place.

I got off at Denistone well into the night. I had already started planning beforehand. I walk from the station, through a small passage in a forest which leads to a busy road. How would I describe this location to the police? No, it's not spider park (I grew up knowing it by that name in mandarin).
I haven't seen a spider there for a long time. But that's more because I don't look for them. It's not Darvall park either, it's on the fringes of that. That forest-path between Denistone and Eastwood stations? I think it was washington pathway, actually. You would think I know the street names around my house, but I don't really. Actually, maybe I do.

On most other days, there would be a group of people from the train who take the same path. Not today though. Just me.

I started thinking and ended up with "no, I'm not done yet. No, forget the yet, I'm just not done". It would be easy enough to dash back to the station where at least there would be remote surveillance. Or, it would also be easy enough to dash to the end of the pathway, and run on the road until enough cars stopped.

I walked home without incident and spent the last 3 hours somewhat almost quite literally sitting here doing nothing.


I don't like the cold anymore. It's too cold.


I've still occassionally been having jacaranda dreams. I don't know why, because it doesn't mean anything. I've still been having that dream where I look at the time, and it's past my wakeup time, then I wake up and look at the time and there's still an hour or two before my alarm. I've been having very poor sleep, the cold doesn't help. I've been having random dreams, too. One where instead of nothing, there was a narrow street outside my window, like the ones in not-main-cities china and a horde of people were walking by, and I didn't enjoy all of the people walking past my window, and my neice was there and either returned a dinosaur figurine, or didn't return a dinosaur figurine. I can't remember the last part. One where all of the my courses cost around 25k. I only remembered that dream when (on the same day) there were people asking for us to sign the petition to stop cuts to education outside the library. I even had a happy dream, but I figured it was a dream pretty quickly.


My hair is really long. My mum said that I should get a haircut a long time ago. She's right. If I let it, my fringe reaches to almost the bottom of my nose. This probably sounds stupid, but I like it. It's like a veil.


For the first time in a while, I have nothing to do with competetive gaming. It feels kind of good not having to worry anymore, about something that you were never good enough for in the first place.

... I don't know what to add. I'm surprised at how little I care about this. It's like I just stopped caring about games this year.


Some people care about winning a lot. Care about winning too much. It's a shame that these people play team games. Because they aren't going to win every game. In fact, the system is going to try to make it 50/50. Too often I see people caring about winning more than they care about other people. By that I mean, when they are losing or lose, they take out their frustration on teammates. I'm always amazed by the sheer amount of negativity some people can output. It's easy to imagine others as a animated character with an online name, but I doubt it's possible to really forget that they are just other people playing a game. I don't think being angry ever made anyone feel better, either.

I don't really care about winning. It means I am more forgiving and have fun in games more often. It also means I don't win as much as I could. If that's the price to pay, then that's fine. Winning isn't really that important. Being good isn't really that important. People care so much about their league or their rank, but even after you rank up, nothing changes. There are still people better than you, there are still people worse than you, and you still win about half of the time.


I am really good at losing. I'll lose every argument because I don't care about winning it. I'll be the most passive driver you will ever see. You could steal from me I would just go without it. You could take advantage or manipulate me pretty easily, and that's okay.

This is stable me. This is my new normal. I'm nothing. That's okay. I'll never be great, or anything. That's okay, too. My future is bleak and it only gets worse as time passes. Well, so be it then.

Do I really believe all of that?
Sometimes I really don't know.

If happiness is the relative jump from one state up to another, then I am happy more often. A friend of mine once pseudo-quoted confucianism: "it's good to study hard, and to have old friends visit you, and not be sad for being a nobody".

Now that this is moving to happiness theory, it's really time to stop.


I really want to play Swan Song at the normal speed with few mistakes and without stopping. I think sometimes I play faster than normal speed, which is probably a good thing. I want to play Swan Song, but I'm pretty sure everyone sick of hearing it, so I try to wait until no one is there to listen.