Demons

It's 5pm and it's dark outside. every day I start so great and then the sunlight dims.

I managed to sleep for something like 11 hours, apparently, and this has been happening throughout the entire not-uni time period. I've also been doing a good job of going through an entire day without eating or looking outside.


On Friday morning I woke up at some time that I don't remember, but it was pretty early. Sometimes I do this, when my subconscious knows that it will be pretty important for me to wake up. It used to happen pretty frequently in high school before exams, but it doesn't happen so much anymore because I got over exams.

On Friday I went back to sleep and woke up again, a few of those cycles. And on the last one I had a dream,
where I woke up and it was Friday morning, and I looked at the clock and it was 12:29. And I got up really really quickly, and felt this incredible wave of panic. It wasn't that incredible, actually, but it did overwhelm me. So I got up and panicked, and said the equivalent of "Dad, my exam starts in 16 minutes!". And I was submerged in panic, I tried to do things but I couldn't do any things. I went to the bathroom and water sprayed on my face. I didn't have any sinking feeling, but it would have been appropriate if I did. I think I tried to rush out while the waves rushed in, although I'm not really sure about this part. I think it was more of a gushing. I was dragged back, and then the clock showed 12:31. "Daddy, my exam starts in 14 minutes" and all the waters coming up so fast it's frightening "Daddy, my exam starts in 14 minutes" and I don't remember, was he even there? and then I ... burst out.

It was still before 11 and my alarm when I checked, and I didn't get up, but I didn't go back to sleep.

I do my crying underwater, but I can't get down any farther. It's been raining since 5.


My exams were alright, I guess. I don't think I tried too hard for them. Apparently I've averaged a bit over 5 hours of dota per day for the last 2 weeks.
I don't think I tried too hard, but I did try pretty hard for maths and statistics. During the semester I made sure I understood everything well enough for those subjects before I spent my time doing computing instead, and I think that was enough.

I'm talking as if I've finished my exams. There is still computing, which I really should prepare for considering I haven't touched it for weeks. Maybe later. I don't feel like working, and I don't really feel like doing anything else either. I feel like my mind is asleep, but I can't really sleep because I already spent half of the day doing that. I think I might need to consciously make sure I eat.