when you're gone

hello, again. So much time. Nothing to do with it.

i spent like 3 hours trying to find out the last five digits of 1+11+111+1111 ... (all the way to 2002 1's). okay, probably not 3 hours. not really that long, actually, but if it was in a year 11 test i would just fail it. i think senior maths focuses less on problem solving and natural talent for that type of thing. i got 01012. please tell me it's not wrong.

*yawned*

seriously, i think i find a tangent for every new point i make. i can't believe i haven't noticed this until now. does reading "yawning" make you yawn? i don't know. maybe when you're sleeping. what about you? and what triggers the yawn? is it seeing the english letters? or is it the actual meaning/definition of "yawning"? do you yawn if you read it in spanish?

so it's 11:42 and i'm yawning every 20 seconds. i think it was about 3:30 last night when i became unconscious. i woke up at 12:08. and that wasn't of my own accord. it felt like, 9am. (i just wrote "like like" i must be exhausted). yawn. but yeah, 12:08 is pretty late. I got up anyway, even though i just wanted to sleep the day away. i can kind of understand how my brother is able to sleep until 5pm now. yawn. oh man.

i would go to sleep now, but i probably won't be able to until 2am. i think back in the days of 2007-9, before i used the computer for anything besides kingdomofloathing and other games, i think i slept at around 10:30. or maybe it was closer to 11. several years later and i stay up until 3:30 talking to myself. not with my mouth, but with my keyboard. pretty sad.

i think i missed a tangent with the 07-09 days. can't think of what the tangent was meant to be, though. hmm. makes me wonder what i did use my computer for. or how i used my computer. no blogger, no twitter, no formspring, no facebook, no youtube, no other links i have in my bookmarks toolbar. i must have been so efficient. like, get on the computer, open up counter-strike, and just go. none of this: check every site on the toolbar, check it again, write something if you feel like it, watch other people play instead of playing yourself, then maybe play a bit. the internet is a waste of time. fun, tho

before i got this ultracomputer this year, all of my everything were passed down things. i had an ancient phone which used to be my brothers, (which actually was the phone i was trying to use that time i got stuck at that school on victoria road after year 6 chess). i had a super ancient laptop, which could run nothing but runescape. and maybe kol. not sure about kol, though. and i would never shut it down. i would just make it standby, forever. because it took 15 minutes to start up, and if i just closed the lid and opened it the next day after school, i wouldn't have to wait. and i wouldn't have to wait for runescape to finish loading, every time. i got annoyed whenever there was a new runescape patch, because i would have to refresh the runescape website.

the super ancient laptop was my mum's, until she got a new laptop, by the way.

then i got a slightly less super ancient laptop (it was my mum's until she got a new laptop (these laptops are all for work, by the way). i can't remember, but it wasn't much different to the other one. except it could run things. it could run dota at pretty bad graphics levels. and it could run counterstrike in a little 720x480 window, or something like that. about 1.5 times the size of a youtube video. and i would just play counterstrike with the terrible resolution, and everything was small but it was playable.

the problem with the laptop, though, was that in every season but winter, it would overheat. like, after being on for 5 minutes, the fans would just go crazy, and it was loud and annoying, and i always put my left hand over the exhaust flow, and it was on the hotter days, like, i don't know. 60 degrees? sometimes i got ice cubes and put it against the laptop to cool it down, which did work a bit. most of the water would evaporate really quickly, because of how hot the laptop got. but some of the water still got onto the table, and the table was always flaking, and if you just looked at the tabletop when there was nothing on it, you could see how all of the tabletop looked pretty new, except a little dusty; and then you got to the part where my laptop always was and it was just like a box of miscoloured, flaking wood. i would put upside down bottlecaps (some of you guys have seen these, actually probably not you guys,) to raise the laptop like 2 centimetres about the table, in an attempt to cool it down. it only worked slightly. but it was still hot to the touch. i bet all of my health problems came from these craptops. ahaha

my next laptop was the one some of you have seen, the asus "gaming" laptop. it was my mum's work laptop, until she got a new one (yeah, i'm not even joking, every laptop has been passed down from mum's work. they all had random files which she told me to not delete, and sometimes she needed to use the laptop as a backup laptop when her current one borked (wow haven't said bork in a long time, can't even remember where it came from. sounds pretty retarded.)) ... anyway, with the laptop i could play warcraft pretty well, and i was pretty the best at that. i played a bunch of other games as well. i made my first videos on that laptop, because it had the capability to render. very slowly, though. it would take the whole afternoon just to render 5 minutes, on not the best quality. this laptop also had the overheating problem, and also had the bottlecaps which you might have seen, and also had a lot of ice, and also broke the table. by the way, these are plastic bottlecaps from the frantelle water bottles i always have. i'm guessing about 80% of the water i have drank in the last 3 years has been bottled water. yeah, bet you didn't know that, unless you like, wrote it down from when i said one of the things you probably don't know about me in a previous post.

you know, reading my posts must be pretty hard because my sentences are always long, and i don't use grammar properly, and i say things like "one of the things you probably don't know about me" without putting hyphens between each word. sorry.

i just glanced to the side, on the floor, and happened to look directly at a dying cockroach on the floor. the first thing i felt was "sigh". you know how much i hate removing bugs. probs time to man up.

i'm still not killing it, though. i don't know how this is going to work. but i have a plan. get several layers of tissues. get several more layers. using the wall of tissues, pick up roach. do not recoil and drop all of it when you feel the roach moving around, like last freaking time. travel outside. dispose of tissues. confuse whoever finds twenty tissues randomly in the backyard the next morning.

there. calm, and shit. kgogogo

...

do i really have to do this now? i'm sure there was a lot of other things i was going to talk about before i noticed the roach.

oh, yes. then i got the new computer. and it was the best thing in the world.


the ps2 we used to use was my brother's want. the piano, technically is mine i guess, but it was my mum's want. (she said i can either learn violin or piano, and i said i didn't want to learn anything (hahaha)). and then i learned piano from ling xiao je je. wait, was she my aunt or my cousin? man i don't even know. she came to live in australia for a while, when i was in year... 1 or two. i don't even know when i started. i was pretty good at playing "funny faces" and "three blind mice" and "grandfather clock" and little songs from that thompson's piano book thing which i don't even know if we still have. i still remember it. one semibreve of middle c, using the right thumb. one semibreve of middle c, using the left thumb. again with the right thumb. left. right. left. right. left. end of song. before you think "wow that's retarded" ... okay, i guess it's too late for that. but there was an "accompanyment" which she would play. and the accompanyment was an actual song so it sounded good. but it made the person who was playing the "main" part of the song so redundant. it's like someone in the kitchen cooking dinner for 10, and having an assistant chef, whose job was to wash the vegetables.
and when ling xiao je je had to go back to china, i went to some place in eastwood, on the korean side, for like one lesson. and then i went to my current piano teacher. been there ever since. (wow, that's been a very long time. i must have grown so much since then. like double height, or something). i skipped grade 2. i played the grade 7 songs, but never sat the exam.

looked at the roach, again. then sad song started to play. like, the saddest song you will ever hear. just kidding, you aren't going to hear it because you shouldn't have to.

um... these guitars are mine, i guess. thanks guys for helping get one in 09. i still remember how i was like "hahah, it's going to be so great. my parents are going to be like WTF WHY DO YOU HAVE A GUITAR", and then they didn't. like, my dad thought the sound was coming from the laptop. it's kind of like those headphones that jason and vincent got me for a 2 months late birthday present, i think. funnily enough, listening through them right now (i normally don't though, because it's worse for your ears, and squashes your ears and i have proper speakers now which are very very good, and i'm freaking spoiled).

just looking around the room. there are things i've made in junior school like the photoframe, year 8 VA tower which got me a merit, dragon from year 8 VA, chair from year 8 (the portable breakfast-in-bed table is somewhere in my parents room, they use it as a place to put things on, though). oh, just realised, the bedside table was something i made. it must have been of such quality that it blended in with the other furniture. i remember woodwork. it was pretty special to me at the time. but i'm not going to talk about it.

there are a few books (three, seriously, they are the only fiction books i have in my room. when i used to read, i probably reread all of them like 5 times. maybe 7 for eragon). the books are eragon 3, harry potter 5 and 7. eragon was my idea, 5 and 7 were my brother's, i think. i think i used to have eragon 1, but i don't even know where that went. i think we lent it to someone, and they never returned it.
wow. for some reason, that reminded me of the sun wu kong/monkey king dvds which i watched when i was little (this is something i have never remembered, probably for like 8 years). sun wu kong was such a badass. an annoying one, actually, on second thoughts. i think we lent those, and never got them back, as well.

what else? i don't know. probably everything in my sentimental drawer, which i have talked about before. the bottom draw of the year 9 table.

roach just made a little bit of movement. i thought it was finished the last time i looked, because it was death-still.

i guess it's time to man up and just go. brb, getting 20 tissues. headphones off. okay, after this song. oh damn it, nevermind, it just ended. i thought it was on the first chorus, but it was actually on the outro chorus. brb. getting twenty tissues. sigh. why do this to me, roach?

**** life. do roaches normally flip the right way around when you walk up to them? what now? i settled for 5 tissues. i don't know if i should be embarassed or not.

embarassed or not. i don't know. fml.


i bet you're having fun reading this. yeah, screw you.


oh, man. one of it's legs is messed up and it just dragged itself in a circle. i'm tempted just to push it out of my room and pretend it never existed. but now i can't because i told you guys. the sad thing is, even once i put it outside, because i'm going to put it outside, it's going to die anyway. but that's not sad to me. i don't care at all whether it dies or not, i just want it to get the roach out.


oh roach. i don't even know if i should be ashamed or not. i seriously don't want to touch it, even through 5 tissues. like, i have trouble getting rid of dead flies. i think... i might just go get a mop... not a mop, but a sponge mop thing. you know. my brother just chose the best time to go to the toilet, so why not share a story.


sometime in junior high school, i was sitting right here, on this chair, (on one of the ancient craptops). and then suddenly a roach jumped from the ceiling fan in my room (mark do you read this blog?), and landed on my shoulder. and i freaked out. i didn't scream, because, once you're older than 8, you can't scream anymore. but i was like ""AHHHH", and then it didn't get off and then my dad pushed it off, eventually. that was kind of embarassing. my brother decided to go to the kitchen now, which is part of the path for me to get outside. so i'll go type some more.

do you know how i'm really afraid of spiders? well, tbh, i haven't had to face one for a very very very long time. but when i do get a small spider on me, and notice, its usually someone says "hey dl theres a spider on you" and i'm like "fuuuuuuuuuuuu" and then i don't move a muscle literally except to say "get it off pls"

it usually doesn't end with too much drama.

the microwave is on, meaning my brother is going to return to the kitchen in the future. the roach has moved about 20 cm closer to me. bastard.


now the microwave is beeping, and has been for the last 2 minutes. like, "beep, beep, pause 20 seconds, beep, beep, pause 20 seconds, etc". my brother has a habit of putting something in the microwave, and not getting it. and wow, this reminds me of all of these times when I WAS TRYING TO SLEEP BECAUSE i have a test on the next day, but my brother would be up and then the microwave would start humming, and footsteps, and the lights turn on, which i can see throguh the gap at the bottom of the door. and then more footsteps, and beep, beep, pause, beep, beep, pause, forever. i always wanted to tweet something like "screw you please get the microwave i have a freaking test tomorrow, now i'm never going to get to sleep because i'm going to be too busy being pissed off", but then i would always wake up the next morning and completely forget about it. because that's what happens when you wake up.

but now, i have remembered.

and now, he has returned to the kitchen. wonder what food it was. i could eat a bit i guess, but i could also not eat a bit. probably nothing to eat anyway, except the standard 2 slices of plain white bread in 4 mouthfuls. like at semiformal. i don't know why, but just stuffing my mouth full of bread and looking retarded is something i like to do. as in, "stuffing my mouth full of bread and looking retarded", not "stuffing my mouth full of bread" and "looking retarded" is something i like to do.

because i don't like to look retarded, but you know, you can't help some things.
┻━┻ ︵¯\_(ツ)_/¯︵ ┻━┻

anyway it's probably time to expell the roach. kind of like how you .. okay nevermind, that was just weird. seriously. wow. jason would be proud. brb

oh btw the roach flipped itself the wrong way again and has stopped moving. poor roach. you're going to die, but not in my room, buddy.


...

:(

i don't want to.


even though it's been like an hour LOL

yeah, staying up until 3 am, standard holiday. okay whatever, attempt... wait a minute. why is the microwave... what? what? microwave is going off. i guess i have more time.

umm.

the microwave has a clock on it when it isn't microwaving things. but until a few days ago, we didn't set it (because every time there is a blackout it resets itself to nothing). we haven't had a blackout in ages, though. i guess i'm kind of lucky. (OH WAIT THERE WAS A BLACKOUT IN CHINA, i remember now. i can't remember where, but there was a blackout. oh wait, i remember now. there was a blackout on one of the nights we stayed near grandmother's house. which was really problematic, because the freezer-coffin thing ran on electricity. and we couldn't see, and stuff. but they fortunately had a generator which ran on some type of liquid fuel, probably diesel, which generated electricity for that, as well as these huge portable lights. wish we had those. we're still stuck on "candles". pssh. they used the same generator when we went to the burial site for the second time, for the actual burial, since it was like at 10pm.

and after that, we went to kind of a palace, which belongs to my family on the mum's side. yeah, like a mini palace. you know the forbidden city? it was kind of a bit like that, except a thousand times smaller. like, the same area of land as your house. but it had the same type of architecture etc, and there was a poster which had some caligraphy by some past emperor.

microwave still going off.

my mum was part of one of the most influential and wealthy families in meilong, before the communists arrived. i remember she said that they shot one of her uncles, and bad things. but yeah, pretty big in china. my dad, on the other hand, was from a very poor farming family. very poor as in, pretty much absolute poverty. i think i touched on this a bit in a previous post, but not much. they had like 20 people living in a "house" about three times the size of your room. with no closable windows. and the weather gets pretty annoying, you know. but we don't need too much details. my dad worked hard, he's good at that (even though he used to always just sleep in front of the laptop, every day, when "working at home"). but yeah, i probably got my perseverance from him. he worked hard, went to uni at 15, stuff happened, went to australia. which is pretty amazing. i guess i've never given him enough credit to him. coming from a farming family, but working your way up to a good life later. quality of life. yep. it's like a peasant becoming a knight. like in a knight's tale. reach for the stars, and stuff.

brother's in the kitchen now. hopefully he will leave soon, so i can use something thats not my hand to expell the roach from these lands. chopsticks? lol jk i don't know, it's 1:08, sorry about being retarded. maybe this flexi ruler which i never use anyway. it's going to be defiled forever.

oh no, my brother just sat down at a table. i heard it. well... i think i'm out of stories. maybe time for some tetris, except i'm so exhausted. now the TV's on. i hope he only turned it on because he knew i'm still awake.

oh, being exhausted. i've been playing terribly today. my macro keeps slipping, and i shouldn't be playing games, and i think i need a couple of days to rest, but i know i'm not going to get those. if only there was something you could do to rest the brain. i could play my best. sometimes, when i play my best, i know i'm playing my best. in the zone. doing everything right. those are the times where you should keep playing, take advantage of your mindset. but i usually don't.

my brother just left the table. weird. maybe he's not coming back. the roach was just moving like crazy. like, it looked like breakdancing. i'm not even joking, and that wasn't meant to be funny. if you're laughing, you should ashamed of yourself, because this roach is going to die soon. it's probably going to die from the cold, or maybe the impact from being dropped from the veranda onto the concrete below.

wow, that is harsh. no, not what i said to you (if you thought that was funny). but the last hours of the roach's life. harsh. life is harsh, though. just life.

i thought of something that hopefully will work. slip a tissue under the roach, so i can just hold the ends of the tissue, and hopefully the roach isn't going to jump off, onto my arm. but something tells me it's going to. i don't even care though. i don't even care anymore.

be right back.

**** why is it squirming so much, i haven't even touched it yet.


okay, it kind of just, jumped away as soon as the tissue touched it. i don't feel embarassed or ashamed, otherwise i wouldn't even have mentioend it in the first place. but wow, i am such a ...


okay, i did a pincer attack with the tissues and then it jumped onto its feet and scurried away. to a different part of my room. sigh. sigh sigh sigh.



hello, children. 1:22am.

after a long struggle, i managed to get the roach on one of the tissues. then i proceeded to crouch, and squat-walk across part of the house, dragging the tissue (this is why i waited until my brother was gone). and seriously, that was so retarded. the whole time i was thinking wow i'm so glad no one has to see this.

BUT THEN

the kitchen in my house is slightly higher than the rest of the house, it changes from wood to tiles. and i couldn't drag the roach from the low ground to the high ground, or it would fall off the tissue.

all seemed lost

but it wasn't. i knew what must be done.

i used a tissue, so i didn't have to touch the tissue, and picked up the ends of the tissue, holding the roach in the air. BUT THEN IT slipped out of place when i stood up, and was slowly, but surely, sliding off the tissue. I dashed, like a freaking roach does when something touches it, as fast as i could to the back door. pace, after pace, after three more paces. the roach still hadn't fallen off. i felt victorious. i felt accomplishment. I've done it.

but then...

my hopes were dashed. my hopes fell, like a roach falling off a tissue, still indoors.
my hopes were ruined, because the roach fell off the tissue, literally a meter from the door.


and then i pushed it out the door and closed the door, and i'm not going outside for the next three days.


at least it won't die as fast. now it's going to have a slower and more painful death... good job daniel...






i don't even know. forget about it. just forget about it. try your best to forget.



well, that was enlightening. you must know so much more about me now. i know at least i know a lot more about me. that was pathetic.




man.




man.



i don't even know what to say. probably time to try a game of tetris.


----


or, twenty. whatever. it's 2am, and i suck at tetris.

if i can just sleep an hour earlier each night, tomorrow i can sleep at 1am. progress.